mother's day

The Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I hate the way mother’s day makes all non-mothers, the children of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. I have to go through all of Mother’s Day photos on my Facebook & Instagram news feed and pretend to feel good about the day. I hate this. 

Wait. Your mother is still alive? Don’t forget about your mother Kathy? Well, I sometime consider myself as a motherless person. Children who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mother— really have no culturally approved way to recognize their mothers on Mother’s Day. 

I remember growing up, I was a mommy’s little girl. She was my angel. She was always there for me all of the time including my girl scout events, IEP meetings, and basketball games. She always would DO ANYTHING for me. She considers me as her best friend. We were so close. I always will remember her contagious laughing.

When my mother became pregnant with my baby sister Ashley— She stopped all of her bi-polar medicines. My life changed overnight forever. After Ashley was born, my mother took her medicines again but deep in my heart I knew she is gone forever. I raised Ashley with a help of my father. In 2000, I moved into a foster home with Ashley. In few years later, my mother met all of court requirements and she was able to get me and Ashley back. Unfortunately, she chose my father (who didn't meet court requirements) over us. I was left heartbroken and angry. One day, I am proud to able to forgive my mother.

I wish I could call my mother today for Mother’s Day. I knew I couldn't because she would sob hard on how she miss the old life and beg me to move in and live with her. She does that every time I call her. I need to move on. I cannot stay in the past. It hurts me so much how she did not get better at all. 

Yes, my strained relationship with my mother made it hard to accept my foster mother Kathy. I did the classic you are not my mom routine. It took me a while for me to finally consider Kathy as my mother. She was very patient with me. Our views on parenting are too different but I am so happy that she is part of my life. Today, sometime, it is hard for me to reach her. I love how mother Kathy and Ashley have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I need to make Mother’s Day special yearly. For example, make my mother part of the day. Share with my friends about her. Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away. Or use the day to celebrate life instead, in honor of the life she gave me. Do what nurtures and inspires me most. Of course, I have mother Kathy who will always be there for me. 

I am very excited to become a mother one day! With my unfortunate experiences with my parents and how I raise Ashley for five years— it gave me special gifts that I will use someday. I know I will be an AMAZING and UNIQUE mother. My future husband will be so LUCKY to have me as a mother to our future children. 

I know I will find this holiday meaningful one day. Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

a sweet message

Often people won't believe me where I am coming from. Yes, I have been through a lot when I was younger. I became a better person because of my past. I am glad that I got this sweet message from Heather. A reminder that my love ones are proud of my accomplishments. 

"Hey there! Thanks for the Christmas card....it's good to see that you're doing well! Hows the job? Any chance of moving back to CA? On a more personal note...I was just reading an article that (I think Kristin or Priya posted)....took me back to the very first time I met you....your mom had forgotten to pick you up from school....so I gave you a ride home....we were walking up the driveway when I heard a baby crying....we then found that Ashley had been left in the car...when we pulled her out she was crying with a soaking wet diaper and clothes drenched with sweat from sitting in the car. Kandace, I am SO proud of the beautiful young woman that you are today....you have overcome so many trials, challenged and beat the odds, and are now giving back to others a part of what has been given to you. Know that every time I pass our refrigerator and see your picture- I think of you and say a quick little prayer- and send many good thoughts/wishes your way! Much Love Heather"

i'm a survivor.

I'm a survivor... TWICE. Yes, twice.

oh lala

I am reading my old journal and I found one entry:

June 19, 2000: “Last week… Brooke, Priya, Robert, and Byron visited me. I was so excited to see him. He looks cute with his dyed hair- BLUE!!! Oh lala. He seems shy but I like his personality. We talked on TTY almost everyday. When Byron had to leave, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek. Two days later, he visited me again with Robert and Brooke. I think I fell in love with Byron. Right now he is at Disneyland. I miss him and talking with him. I hope he is thinking about me and will buy me something. I hope someday I will kiss him for the first time”

This entry made me laugh. At 15 years old, I thought I knew what is love is all about. Oh boy, I was wrong. It is always fun to watch myself grow.