mother's day

The Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I hate the way mother’s day makes all non-mothers, the children of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. I have to go through all of Mother’s Day photos on my Facebook & Instagram news feed and pretend to feel good about the day. I hate this. 

Wait. Your mother is still alive? Don’t forget about your mother Kathy? Well, I sometime consider myself as a motherless person. Children who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mother— really have no culturally approved way to recognize their mothers on Mother’s Day. 

I remember growing up, I was a mommy’s little girl. She was my angel. She was always there for me all of the time including my girl scout events, IEP meetings, and basketball games. She always would DO ANYTHING for me. She considers me as her best friend. We were so close. I always will remember her contagious laughing.

When my mother became pregnant with my baby sister Ashley— She stopped all of her bi-polar medicines. My life changed overnight forever. After Ashley was born, my mother took her medicines again but deep in my heart I knew she is gone forever. I raised Ashley with a help of my father. In 2000, I moved into a foster home with Ashley. In few years later, my mother met all of court requirements and she was able to get me and Ashley back. Unfortunately, she chose my father (who didn't meet court requirements) over us. I was left heartbroken and angry. One day, I am proud to able to forgive my mother.

I wish I could call my mother today for Mother’s Day. I knew I couldn't because she would sob hard on how she miss the old life and beg me to move in and live with her. She does that every time I call her. I need to move on. I cannot stay in the past. It hurts me so much how she did not get better at all. 

Yes, my strained relationship with my mother made it hard to accept my foster mother Kathy. I did the classic you are not my mom routine. It took me a while for me to finally consider Kathy as my mother. She was very patient with me. Our views on parenting are too different but I am so happy that she is part of my life. Today, sometime, it is hard for me to reach her. I love how mother Kathy and Ashley have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I need to make Mother’s Day special yearly. For example, make my mother part of the day. Share with my friends about her. Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away. Or use the day to celebrate life instead, in honor of the life she gave me. Do what nurtures and inspires me most. Of course, I have mother Kathy who will always be there for me. 

I am very excited to become a mother one day! With my unfortunate experiences with my parents and how I raise Ashley for five years— it gave me special gifts that I will use someday. I know I will be an AMAZING and UNIQUE mother. My future husband will be so LUCKY to have me as a mother to our future children. 

I know I will find this holiday meaningful one day. Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

my learning disability

November 2008

“I started to realize that I had a hard time to spell when I was in Junior High School. My interpreter once told me that I took a learning disability test to find out whether I have one but I never finished it. As I entered at California School for the Deaf, Fremont, I noticed that my spelling had become worsen, but I always found a way to get away from it. As an undergraduate student, I started to realize I couldn’t get away from it, so I had to work harder to pull up my school grades. Some people and teachers believed that I have dyslexia. In my senior year, I realized that I needed to find out what was wrong with me. Recently, last summer I took the exam to check if I actually have it. I was diagnosed Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Even though, I knew there was something wrong with me but the results hit me hard. I lost my confidence a little bit and I wasn’t happy about this. I was disappointed that a guy, who gave me the exam was not sure what kind of specific learning disability I have and I would still need to take more exams to find out. I actually don’t like the fact that I would have to ask people for help. I always become nervous every time I ask someone to help me spell the word out or correct my paper. Today, I still struggle with my learning disability. I think I’m still struggling because I feel uncomfortable to ask people for some help when I need. There are some times where I feel I wouldn’t become successful because of my learning disability. I will definitely need to be more optimistic to be successful in future but I will need to learn how to find resources for help.”

I always have a hard time to write an entry in my journal and/or update my blog. Sometime I shut myself out and didn’t finish an entry. Sometime I find myself become jealous of some people because they could write very beautiful. I just want to be like them. I know that I think very beautiful like them but I cannot express them into beautiful words.

It has been three years since I was diagnosed as Learning Disorder NOS. I still haven’t 100% accept this yet. I hope I will someday. I never took more tests to find out what kind of learning disability I have. I know my grammar structure is not perfect too so I believe I have writing disorder or dyslexia. I believe that growing with lack of deaf education also affected me. I am very thankful that I am able to read. I love to read books.

My 16 years old sister, my father, and my aunt Eileen (my mom’s side) are also poor speller. Eileen's grammar is worse than me. I wonder if it is genetic thing.

I know that I am able to learn more about grammar rules. Soon… I am planning to buy a CD program (lesson, practices, and games) that focus on grammar rules so I could improve. If you know a CD program, please do share!