mother's day

The Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I hate the way mother’s day makes all non-mothers, the children of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. I have to go through all of Mother’s Day photos on my Facebook & Instagram news feed and pretend to feel good about the day. I hate this. 

Wait. Your mother is still alive? Don’t forget about your mother Kathy? Well, I sometime consider myself as a motherless person. Children who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mother— really have no culturally approved way to recognize their mothers on Mother’s Day. 

I remember growing up, I was a mommy’s little girl. She was my angel. She was always there for me all of the time including my girl scout events, IEP meetings, and basketball games. She always would DO ANYTHING for me. She considers me as her best friend. We were so close. I always will remember her contagious laughing.

When my mother became pregnant with my baby sister Ashley— She stopped all of her bi-polar medicines. My life changed overnight forever. After Ashley was born, my mother took her medicines again but deep in my heart I knew she is gone forever. I raised Ashley with a help of my father. In 2000, I moved into a foster home with Ashley. In few years later, my mother met all of court requirements and she was able to get me and Ashley back. Unfortunately, she chose my father (who didn't meet court requirements) over us. I was left heartbroken and angry. One day, I am proud to able to forgive my mother.

I wish I could call my mother today for Mother’s Day. I knew I couldn't because she would sob hard on how she miss the old life and beg me to move in and live with her. She does that every time I call her. I need to move on. I cannot stay in the past. It hurts me so much how she did not get better at all. 

Yes, my strained relationship with my mother made it hard to accept my foster mother Kathy. I did the classic you are not my mom routine. It took me a while for me to finally consider Kathy as my mother. She was very patient with me. Our views on parenting are too different but I am so happy that she is part of my life. Today, sometime, it is hard for me to reach her. I love how mother Kathy and Ashley have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I need to make Mother’s Day special yearly. For example, make my mother part of the day. Share with my friends about her. Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away. Or use the day to celebrate life instead, in honor of the life she gave me. Do what nurtures and inspires me most. Of course, I have mother Kathy who will always be there for me. 

I am very excited to become a mother one day! With my unfortunate experiences with my parents and how I raise Ashley for five years— it gave me special gifts that I will use someday. I know I will be an AMAZING and UNIQUE mother. My future husband will be so LUCKY to have me as a mother to our future children. 

I know I will find this holiday meaningful one day. Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

lighthouse

I don’t know why I connected to lighthouses so quickly. Before my lighthouse obsession started I was visiting Cope Cad and Martha’s Vineyard with a friend of mine last summer. He enjoyed taking different pictures of lighthouses. After we visited more lighthouses, I became hook with lighthouses. 

One day, I decided to do research on the symbolic meaning of a lighthouse. Most of the meanings and quotes I found was biblical related. I wasn't satisfied with my findings. I never finish with my research so I naturally forget about this. 

My friend, Megan, came to New York for my birthday weekend. Before we both went to a restaurant to meet rest of my friends for my birthday dinner… She asked me to open a gift because she excitedly couldn't wait for me to open the gift. She got me a beautiful Alex and Ani: Lighthouse Charm Bangle for my birthday. I love it! Even better, this gift included a card with the meaning of lighthouse. I am shocked to learn that it fit me well! I love this gift even more! 

LIGHTHOUSE

ILLUMINATION | COMFORT | RESILIENCE

A lighthouse is a welcoming structure, a reassuring sign of steady ground ahead, and an optimistic symbol of hope for all looking to move forward safety. It is an emblem of strength located at the edge of unpredictable tides as it provides navigational guidance and bright light in a storm. Resilient and immovable, this shining beacon encourages perseverance even in the darkest times. 

What do you think? Now I can say… I know why lighthouse is very special to me. One day… I would like to have a wedding by a lighthouse! 

remembering baby ryen

April 13, 2007-May 14, 2008

Let me tell you about baby Ryen Alexander Garcia. He was an adorable baby who only lived for a year, a month, and a day. His deep dark brown eyes and his giggly smile will melt your heart forever.

I remember the day I first met him. He was a premature baby so he was only five pounds when I first saw him. During my winter break from college, I finally held him for the first time and I couldn’t believe how much he grew. Unlike his older brother and sister (they both were "serious" babies), he was a very CHEERFUL baby who always laugh easily.  It is hard to explain, indeed, he was a very special baby. His personality was very LOUD and CHARMING. My aunt who was Ryen’s grandmother lived behind my family’s apartment so I always find a time to visit them so I could hold baby Ryen. I love to make some funny sounds to make him laugh. After my winter break was over, I headed back to college. Little I knew that I would never see him alive again.

I will never forget the day my family came to Washington DC for my graduation from Gallaudet University with a bachelor degree. That day, I found that baby Ryen was GONE forever. I couldn’t believe it. I was angry with God for taking him away from our family too early. His funeral was heartbreaking. It was another reminder for me that life is too short. Looking at his lifeless body, again, I couldn’t believe how much he grew. He got bigger, his sweet and soft skin color got darker, and his fine dark hair got longer. I was very sad that I couldn’t see his giggly smile for one more time. 

Today, it is hard to believe he would have been almost six years old. We cannot grieve over his death forever. We must remember the good time we had with him. Ryen, I hope you are enjoying your time in beautiful heaven.  Although, you were only my second cousin, you had no idea how much you impacted me. I hope to see you someday again. I love you, sweet handsome baby Ryen. 

coach bill snape

I have many fond memories with Coach Bill. So many great memories that I could easily write a book!  

    
It was fall of 2004, I was a freshman, and I remember the first swimming team meeting very clearly; new Head Coach Bill Snape was very nervous and awkward that day. He asked one of the hearing swimmer's to interpret for him. I remember thinking to myself  “Oh crap, this new coach knows no American Sign Language (ASL)”. I was disappointed with Gallaudet University because they hired someone that didn't know sign language!!! At the same time I was nervous as well to begin season. After the meeting, I remember I told him that I am not good enough to be on team since I only had few years of swimming experience. He convinced me to be on swimming team. I am so glad that I took his advice. The daily practices were always fun because of him and I remember how I always looked forward to going to practice everyday. That following summer after the first season, Bill took ASL classes. I was and still am very impressed with him because he picked up ASL very quickly. He worked so hard to improve the communication between himself and the team and I was so impressed by that. He cared about each one of us like we were his own children. He always would  make sure I had a smile on my face. Later during my college years, I even became his personal assistant- I  helped him recruit new swimmers to be part of our team, haha.    

    
I will never forget the day he came up to me and told me that I will be doing 200 yards butterfly event for CAC Championship. He smiled at me while I was so ready to break down! It was a great opportunity for me do this event even though long-distance events were never my strong point.

Bill, thank you for being such a WONDERFUL and AMAZING coach. You are like a father to me. Looking back, now I can say that Gallaudet University made a best decision in hiring you. I had an opportunity to be part of USA Deaf Swimming in 2007 because of you, Coach Bill. Also, it was a pleasure to work with him as one of assistant coaches for a short time during graduate school.  I am proud to say he helped swimmers break many old records.

Also… I would like to thank his family for allowing him to spend hours and hours with the Gallaudet University swimming team. His family knows that being with the team made Bill happy.

Most importantly, THANK YOU for BELIEVING in ME. I couldn’t ask for a better coach!

my father

I craved a father who I could confide in. Instead, my father put me down and screwed with my head. So I will never be close to my father.

Thanks to my father, sometimes, I have a hard time trusting men. I am getting better at this, tho. No child deserves abuse!

being bald

Sometime I miss being bald. Will I shave my hair off again? No. Being bald was a lot of fun. I glad that I grabbed this opportunity. Yes, there were a lot of peer pressures but I donated my hair to Locks of Love. The truth is... I have no regrets!

oh lala

I am reading my old journal and I found one entry:

June 19, 2000: “Last week… Brooke, Priya, Robert, and Byron visited me. I was so excited to see him. He looks cute with his dyed hair- BLUE!!! Oh lala. He seems shy but I like his personality. We talked on TTY almost everyday. When Byron had to leave, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek. Two days later, he visited me again with Robert and Brooke. I think I fell in love with Byron. Right now he is at Disneyland. I miss him and talking with him. I hope he is thinking about me and will buy me something. I hope someday I will kiss him for the first time”

This entry made me laugh. At 15 years old, I thought I knew what is love is all about. Oh boy, I was wrong. It is always fun to watch myself grow.

two years since...

Today is exactly two years ago (June 4th) I graduated from CSD. I know it is June 5th right now because it is 12:20am. Times fly sooooooooo fast. It will go faster every year. Enjoy your life much as you can, because before you know you will be in 20s then all of sudden to 30s and numbers of your age continue go up and up. It’s a scary thought, but its how you live your life.

memories...