mother's day

The Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I hate the way mother’s day makes all non-mothers, the children of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. I have to go through all of Mother’s Day photos on my Facebook & Instagram news feed and pretend to feel good about the day. I hate this. 

Wait. Your mother is still alive? Don’t forget about your mother Kathy? Well, I sometime consider myself as a motherless person. Children who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mother— really have no culturally approved way to recognize their mothers on Mother’s Day. 

I remember growing up, I was a mommy’s little girl. She was my angel. She was always there for me all of the time including my girl scout events, IEP meetings, and basketball games. She always would DO ANYTHING for me. She considers me as her best friend. We were so close. I always will remember her contagious laughing.

When my mother became pregnant with my baby sister Ashley— She stopped all of her bi-polar medicines. My life changed overnight forever. After Ashley was born, my mother took her medicines again but deep in my heart I knew she is gone forever. I raised Ashley with a help of my father. In 2000, I moved into a foster home with Ashley. In few years later, my mother met all of court requirements and she was able to get me and Ashley back. Unfortunately, she chose my father (who didn't meet court requirements) over us. I was left heartbroken and angry. One day, I am proud to able to forgive my mother.

I wish I could call my mother today for Mother’s Day. I knew I couldn't because she would sob hard on how she miss the old life and beg me to move in and live with her. She does that every time I call her. I need to move on. I cannot stay in the past. It hurts me so much how she did not get better at all. 

Yes, my strained relationship with my mother made it hard to accept my foster mother Kathy. I did the classic you are not my mom routine. It took me a while for me to finally consider Kathy as my mother. She was very patient with me. Our views on parenting are too different but I am so happy that she is part of my life. Today, sometime, it is hard for me to reach her. I love how mother Kathy and Ashley have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I need to make Mother’s Day special yearly. For example, make my mother part of the day. Share with my friends about her. Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away. Or use the day to celebrate life instead, in honor of the life she gave me. Do what nurtures and inspires me most. Of course, I have mother Kathy who will always be there for me. 

I am very excited to become a mother one day! With my unfortunate experiences with my parents and how I raise Ashley for five years— it gave me special gifts that I will use someday. I know I will be an AMAZING and UNIQUE mother. My future husband will be so LUCKY to have me as a mother to our future children. 

I know I will find this holiday meaningful one day. Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

waiting for you

I don't want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who I can act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me.

i am rare

a hot tea with honey

Everybody have his or her own dream mate. For years, I have an ideal dream guy. I want to fall in love with guy who is athletic, surfer, kids lover, and the list goes on.  Instead, I fell hard for a guy who is opposite of my dream guy. I remember how I find him with a short beard so attractive. He always makes me feel good as a person. It took me a while to realize and accept that I have intense feelings for him. Finally, I understand that love suppose to be happening in a natural way.

With my strong feelings for him… My life changed forever. Because of HIM… My perspective of love changed. My feelings for him were very powerful and unique. I never have these feelings with other guys. Ever. It was scary and exciting experience for me.

For months and months, I kept these feelings to myself. Finally, one day, I told him how I feel about him. Unfortunately, he is not on the same page as I do. I was heart broken. He said that he is not ready to commit a relationship with anyone. Maybe I am not his type, or we do not share the same values, or he thinks I am too good for him. It is something I will never understand him.

Even thought he doesn’t want me. I am forever graceful that he taught me a lot about life. He is quietly gorgeous but I always catch his geeky moments. He is not afraid to show who he is. He is always fun and knows just how to get me laughing at any moment. I love how he takes his life and goals seriously.

This picture always makes me smile. I remember the week I became really sick. He was concerned about me. One day, he bought and brought me a hot tea with honey to work. Despite the fact I was really sick… his surprise put a smile on my face.

Now, I have a new fear. What if I will never find a love of my life who makes me feel good as he did?

well said...

the five love languages

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I haven’t finish reading this book yet. So far, I think it is a good book. Please understand it is NOT all about romantic or it is for couples only. The five love languages are also relevant to platonic relationships such as family, friends, or coworkers. Please remember this.

The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Quality time is what matters me the most. I enjoy my time with my friends, family, and coworkers when it comes to traveling, go out for dinner, going to different places, and even spending our time at my home.

Last September, I was under stressed that I really want to be with my friends for the day. A friend of mine decided to drop the plan with me and other friend. My quality time with them blew out. I learned my lesson that I need to stop have a high expectation from my friends when it come to quality time. Last Christmas, I enjoyed being with my friend. It was nice because I wasn’t alone. Funny, he felt bad that we didn’t do much that day. As for me, I don’t care… as long I am having a quality time with someone on Christmas day. That’s what matters me the most. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be hurtful for me.

Let me share one of my favorite quotes from book: “Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese form English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your suppose understand only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.”

What’s your love language? You can take a quiz online to find out! The website have the five languages of apology and the five languages of appreciation, too. Very interesting? :-)

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

oh lala

I am reading my old journal and I found one entry:

June 19, 2000: “Last week… Brooke, Priya, Robert, and Byron visited me. I was so excited to see him. He looks cute with his dyed hair- BLUE!!! Oh lala. He seems shy but I like his personality. We talked on TTY almost everyday. When Byron had to leave, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek. Two days later, he visited me again with Robert and Brooke. I think I fell in love with Byron. Right now he is at Disneyland. I miss him and talking with him. I hope he is thinking about me and will buy me something. I hope someday I will kiss him for the first time”

This entry made me laugh. At 15 years old, I thought I knew what is love is all about. Oh boy, I was wrong. It is always fun to watch myself grow.