mother's day

The Mother’s Day is always hard for me. I hate the way mother’s day makes all non-mothers, the children of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. I have to go through all of Mother’s Day photos on my Facebook & Instagram news feed and pretend to feel good about the day. I hate this. 

Wait. Your mother is still alive? Don’t forget about your mother Kathy? Well, I sometime consider myself as a motherless person. Children who have estranged or difficult relationships with their mother— really have no culturally approved way to recognize their mothers on Mother’s Day. 

I remember growing up, I was a mommy’s little girl. She was my angel. She was always there for me all of the time including my girl scout events, IEP meetings, and basketball games. She always would DO ANYTHING for me. She considers me as her best friend. We were so close. I always will remember her contagious laughing.

When my mother became pregnant with my baby sister Ashley— She stopped all of her bi-polar medicines. My life changed overnight forever. After Ashley was born, my mother took her medicines again but deep in my heart I knew she is gone forever. I raised Ashley with a help of my father. In 2000, I moved into a foster home with Ashley. In few years later, my mother met all of court requirements and she was able to get me and Ashley back. Unfortunately, she chose my father (who didn't meet court requirements) over us. I was left heartbroken and angry. One day, I am proud to able to forgive my mother.

I wish I could call my mother today for Mother’s Day. I knew I couldn't because she would sob hard on how she miss the old life and beg me to move in and live with her. She does that every time I call her. I need to move on. I cannot stay in the past. It hurts me so much how she did not get better at all. 

Yes, my strained relationship with my mother made it hard to accept my foster mother Kathy. I did the classic you are not my mom routine. It took me a while for me to finally consider Kathy as my mother. She was very patient with me. Our views on parenting are too different but I am so happy that she is part of my life. Today, sometime, it is hard for me to reach her. I love how mother Kathy and Ashley have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I need to make Mother’s Day special yearly. For example, make my mother part of the day. Share with my friends about her. Recognizing her will feel better than trying to push the memory away. Or use the day to celebrate life instead, in honor of the life she gave me. Do what nurtures and inspires me most. Of course, I have mother Kathy who will always be there for me. 

I am very excited to become a mother one day! With my unfortunate experiences with my parents and how I raise Ashley for five years— it gave me special gifts that I will use someday. I know I will be an AMAZING and UNIQUE mother. My future husband will be so LUCKY to have me as a mother to our future children. 

I know I will find this holiday meaningful one day. Well, Happy Mother’s Day!

a hot tea with honey

Everybody have his or her own dream mate. For years, I have an ideal dream guy. I want to fall in love with guy who is athletic, surfer, kids lover, and the list goes on.  Instead, I fell hard for a guy who is opposite of my dream guy. I remember how I find him with a short beard so attractive. He always makes me feel good as a person. It took me a while to realize and accept that I have intense feelings for him. Finally, I understand that love suppose to be happening in a natural way.

With my strong feelings for him… My life changed forever. Because of HIM… My perspective of love changed. My feelings for him were very powerful and unique. I never have these feelings with other guys. Ever. It was scary and exciting experience for me.

For months and months, I kept these feelings to myself. Finally, one day, I told him how I feel about him. Unfortunately, he is not on the same page as I do. I was heart broken. He said that he is not ready to commit a relationship with anyone. Maybe I am not his type, or we do not share the same values, or he thinks I am too good for him. It is something I will never understand him.

Even thought he doesn’t want me. I am forever graceful that he taught me a lot about life. He is quietly gorgeous but I always catch his geeky moments. He is not afraid to show who he is. He is always fun and knows just how to get me laughing at any moment. I love how he takes his life and goals seriously.

This picture always makes me smile. I remember the week I became really sick. He was concerned about me. One day, he bought and brought me a hot tea with honey to work. Despite the fact I was really sick… his surprise put a smile on my face.

Now, I have a new fear. What if I will never find a love of my life who makes me feel good as he did?

remembering baby ryen

April 13, 2007-May 14, 2008

Let me tell you about baby Ryen Alexander Garcia. He was an adorable baby who only lived for a year, a month, and a day. His deep dark brown eyes and his giggly smile will melt your heart forever.

I remember the day I first met him. He was a premature baby so he was only five pounds when I first saw him. During my winter break from college, I finally held him for the first time and I couldn’t believe how much he grew. Unlike his older brother and sister (they both were "serious" babies), he was a very CHEERFUL baby who always laugh easily.  It is hard to explain, indeed, he was a very special baby. His personality was very LOUD and CHARMING. My aunt who was Ryen’s grandmother lived behind my family’s apartment so I always find a time to visit them so I could hold baby Ryen. I love to make some funny sounds to make him laugh. After my winter break was over, I headed back to college. Little I knew that I would never see him alive again.

I will never forget the day my family came to Washington DC for my graduation from Gallaudet University with a bachelor degree. That day, I found that baby Ryen was GONE forever. I couldn’t believe it. I was angry with God for taking him away from our family too early. His funeral was heartbreaking. It was another reminder for me that life is too short. Looking at his lifeless body, again, I couldn’t believe how much he grew. He got bigger, his sweet and soft skin color got darker, and his fine dark hair got longer. I was very sad that I couldn’t see his giggly smile for one more time. 

Today, it is hard to believe he would have been almost six years old. We cannot grieve over his death forever. We must remember the good time we had with him. Ryen, I hope you are enjoying your time in beautiful heaven.  Although, you were only my second cousin, you had no idea how much you impacted me. I hope to see you someday again. I love you, sweet handsome baby Ryen. 

the five love languages

Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I haven’t finish reading this book yet. So far, I think it is a good book. Please understand it is NOT all about romantic or it is for couples only. The five love languages are also relevant to platonic relationships such as family, friends, or coworkers. Please remember this.

The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Quality time is what matters me the most. I enjoy my time with my friends, family, and coworkers when it comes to traveling, go out for dinner, going to different places, and even spending our time at my home.

Last September, I was under stressed that I really want to be with my friends for the day. A friend of mine decided to drop the plan with me and other friend. My quality time with them blew out. I learned my lesson that I need to stop have a high expectation from my friends when it come to quality time. Last Christmas, I enjoyed being with my friend. It was nice because I wasn’t alone. Funny, he felt bad that we didn’t do much that day. As for me, I don’t care… as long I am having a quality time with someone on Christmas day. That’s what matters me the most. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be hurtful for me.

Let me share one of my favorite quotes from book: “Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese form English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your suppose understand only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.”

What’s your love language? You can take a quiz online to find out! The website have the five languages of apology and the five languages of appreciation, too. Very interesting? :-)

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

my sunday cuddle

Hurricane Sandy was CRAZY and NASTY. Not able to get out of house often because of safety. No work for a week. ESDAA volleyball tournament cancelled. ING NYC Marathon cancelled.

The best part... I spent a lot of time with my Maile.

my learning disability

November 2008

“I started to realize that I had a hard time to spell when I was in Junior High School. My interpreter once told me that I took a learning disability test to find out whether I have one but I never finished it. As I entered at California School for the Deaf, Fremont, I noticed that my spelling had become worsen, but I always found a way to get away from it. As an undergraduate student, I started to realize I couldn’t get away from it, so I had to work harder to pull up my school grades. Some people and teachers believed that I have dyslexia. In my senior year, I realized that I needed to find out what was wrong with me. Recently, last summer I took the exam to check if I actually have it. I was diagnosed Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Even though, I knew there was something wrong with me but the results hit me hard. I lost my confidence a little bit and I wasn’t happy about this. I was disappointed that a guy, who gave me the exam was not sure what kind of specific learning disability I have and I would still need to take more exams to find out. I actually don’t like the fact that I would have to ask people for help. I always become nervous every time I ask someone to help me spell the word out or correct my paper. Today, I still struggle with my learning disability. I think I’m still struggling because I feel uncomfortable to ask people for some help when I need. There are some times where I feel I wouldn’t become successful because of my learning disability. I will definitely need to be more optimistic to be successful in future but I will need to learn how to find resources for help.”

I always have a hard time to write an entry in my journal and/or update my blog. Sometime I shut myself out and didn’t finish an entry. Sometime I find myself become jealous of some people because they could write very beautiful. I just want to be like them. I know that I think very beautiful like them but I cannot express them into beautiful words.

It has been three years since I was diagnosed as Learning Disorder NOS. I still haven’t 100% accept this yet. I hope I will someday. I never took more tests to find out what kind of learning disability I have. I know my grammar structure is not perfect too so I believe I have writing disorder or dyslexia. I believe that growing with lack of deaf education also affected me. I am very thankful that I am able to read. I love to read books.

My 16 years old sister, my father, and my aunt Eileen (my mom’s side) are also poor speller. Eileen's grammar is worse than me. I wonder if it is genetic thing.

I know that I am able to learn more about grammar rules. Soon… I am planning to buy a CD program (lesson, practices, and games) that focus on grammar rules so I could improve. If you know a CD program, please do share!

spring is here, well almost!

Winter never will be my favorite season. I love Holidays, drinking hot coffee, and studying the snowflakes falling. I hate the coldness, how my back hurts because of shivering , and how I have spend a lot of time indoor. Finally, spring has arrived, well almost. I started to walk both of my dogs often. I’m excited about this. I am looking forward to spend more time outdoor!

Priya, friend of mine, since I was three years old and I decided to do our small photography project together. The orchards are everywhere here in my home area so I always want to take pictures here. First, we stopped by an orchard that looks like they are covered with snow! Bee was everywhere so they could make some honey! Yummy! I admired them. After this we went to another orchard and the trees’ branches were so green! We both should do another photography project again someday. It was a lot of fun!

the draft horse

Draft horse is the animal that represents me well, because I have the same traits as they do: hard worker, have a good strength, caring, free-spirited, and patience. I have gone through so many different trauma experiences when I was a young girl. People have always admired me because I’m one of most perseverant person they have ever known. It doesn’t matter if I am through a difficult time. I will always be a very stable person because I know things will get better one day. I have a very positive attitude to life so I seek for success and recognition. With my high patience, I understand that material rewards are the result of hard worker. I’m very creative with the need for self-expression. It may be drawn to scrapbooking, sewing, knitting and other few kind of hand on crafts. I’m well known as a loyal friend and I’m a person, who must be allowed for freedom and independence. I also know that I’m a natural leader, who has a talent for inspiring and teaching others. I always display fairness, honesty and integrity. Sometime, I am not a fan of new challenges but I know I can face new challenges with some risks. I am learning to enjoy the new challenges slowly. Happiness has gained through my willingness to serve good causes.

What animal that represents you? Please do share with me! :-)

i need a motivation

I know, I know…it has been a while since I last updated my blog. I swear to God that I do have a lot great ideas for me to post on my blog! Most of them will be my personal stories/experiences. Hopefully, after I become comfortable with updating my blogs, I will also include my photography/crafts works and fun scrapbooking tips. I really need to find my motivation! Any tips? :-)